Another classic of TV and film as
well as another Danny rip-off - although it was the baddies who used it.... A
nice and simple idea, making use of gravity and people’s minds and eyes
tricking them, taking things for granted.
A pit, then, I would dig and cover
with twigs, soil and grass so it would look like it wasn't there. It wouldn't need to be too big I didn't
think. It might be better if she
couldn't move very much. How would I get
her out? Line the hole with a box, I
thought, a great metal one, reinforced with more metal, with chains and locks
and shit.
I got there early and started to
dig, quickly coming across a lot of roots.
Not a problem, I thought, I'll chop them out. So I got my axe. It bounced off them like it was rubber. My saw rattled and snapped on them. I tried to dig around to find a bit without
these giant drinking straws. It was hard
going but I got there to find rocks which I tried to pick out only to find they
were boulders too big and heavy for a team of strongmen, let alone just little
old me. Next to these, the earth was
filled with worms as thick as sausages and as long as foot-long rulers that
could jump. And they did, mouths open,
attaching themselves to my clothes for no discernible reason other than to just
hang there. More and more of them until
my shirt was covered with the blighters
By now it was mid-afternoon and the
unicorn arrived. She walked to the edge
of my own clearing - a shallow mess looking like an archaeologist's bad day or
a child gone mad in a flower bed - most of the top soil in the clearing had
been up-turned and put roughly into piles all over the shop. And there was me, doing some sort of crazed
jig, shaking my arms and legs to try and rid myself of these terrible worms.
Out the corner of my eye I saw her
look at me with such disdain, so unimpressed at this pathetic attempt, shaking
her head, turning and walking away. At
this point the worms lost interest and dropped back to earth, quickly
disappearing into it and I trekked back to the van cursing under my breath all
the way home.
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