Attempts to Capture and Tame a Unicorn (41): A Weekend at Home, Alone

I stayed at home the next weekend, disconsolate yet determined I could carry on my life as it had been before, without unicorns and missions.  Instead I filled the weekend with as many meaningless activities as I could muster. 

Friday evening’s activity was watching television.  Whereas I would normally spend the evening preparing, by going over notes and ensuring I had everything, I was instead able to simply sit in an armchair with a bottle of ale, The Guide and a remote.  And there I stayed until Jools Holland wished me good night.

I woke early Saturday morning and went out for a paper, walking the long way on the path by the river and through the trees.  And I bought some croissants for breakfast which I ate while they were still warm with fresh coffee and spread with a thick layer of strawberry jam while reading the colour supplements.  And I had watched the free DVD before lunch.

The afternoon was whiled away in town shopping.  Proper shopping for music and clothes.  Something I hadn't done for such a long time.  I had already made a wish list during the week and I went around all the independent record shops (and then HMV and Virgin just in case) looking for the best deals.  Then I went and bought some pants and plain t-shirts and new, harder wearing trousers.  It was pretty cool to be out doing this sort of thing again.  But it still didn't feel right somehow.  There was a certain emptiness to wandering around alone which I didn't enjoy too much.  A feeling that became all the more acute when I saw the crowds going to the football and noticed what time it was nearing.  But I put it firmly behind me in the evening by going out for a drink with some old friends. 

We went for an Indian out on the A38, just like in the old days.  I had chicken tikka rogan josh and keema naan washed down with several pints of Kingfisher.  It was wonderful.  How we laughed and joked and talked and talked.  Which felt much better - normal, even.

Sunday started much the same as Saturday.  It was a little later, though, that I rose for the morning's walk to buy a newspaper.

I cooked myself a roast for lunch before it all began to slowly die away.  I listened to the records I'd bought the day before, lying on the sofa, eyes closed to take it all in, letting the sounds waft all over me and inside me.  But every time I opened my eyes I got the feeling that something was missing. 

Eventually I ran out of tunes and watched a film or two while eating roast chicken sandwiches for my tea.  I should have watched some action film full of shit being blown to bits and bad people being righteously slaughtered.  Instead I watched Big and Groundhog Day simply because they were on.

That is when I began to run out of things to do.  Or, at least, I became too lethargic to think of anything and instead I started to walk around the house, peering into the empty rooms for something to do.  I found only space and much of it filled with nothing but air.  And I dreamed a dream I'd dreamed before of how full the house could be if I shared the space with another.  A dream I dreamed at least once a week.  And I reminisced of the plans I had put into action and how the results had gone astray.

I had tried a long time to capture this unicorn before taming it.  For quite a long while I had even accepted that it might not be possible to do so and so I had gone along for the sport, to muck about and be somewhere, do something at the weekend.

That sport had been wrecked for me a little because, of course, not terribly deep down even, I still longed to capture and to tame.  A need I was now seeing again whilst wandering around the empty house and looking down into the spot in the garden where she would one day live.

But how could I capture her?  She was clearly too much of a livewire: far too wild and independent. 

Dejected, I sat down and fed myself four bowls of porridge (I still had sackfuls and sackfuls of oats leftover just from the 'Too Many Oats' and 'Porridge' episodes) before I realised where I should go next.  My aim, after all, was to capture and to tame.  If I couldn't capture, maybe I could try to tame her first.