Over the weeks we worked with a lot of different creatures
to try and capture my unicorn. A full
menagerie of animal help was on hand.
Had always been, I just hadn’t known of it or how to harness it. With John on hand as my wing man I was
flying high, having a go at plan after plan.
We tried all sorts, even attempted to find a wizard on a series of hikes
with Schnizzelwort.
After failing to lure out any tree spirits (I think only
burning a tree down would have got us anywhere) we sought the help of a tribe
of Aborelfs. Being tree dwelling folk
they used their home as a platform to work from. I led the unicorn out of the clearing with
the old trail of oats trick and into a fairly dense patch of tress. Once she was in position the elves went into
action. Their assault consisted of
Aborelves shooting down from above on bungee-action vine-made ropes. At first one at a time and then in pairs and
then performing more and more intricate, choreographed to perfection, moves,
sometimes as many as seven Aborelves appearing to make wild grabs at the
unicorn that only ever met thin air. The
unicorn dodged and ducked every move, her eyes closed in concentration the
whole time. To begin with she just side stepped
each attempt to abduct her. Then she
started to slide along the ground away from the groping elves before mixing
these plans with kneeling and lying down until the elves finally grew tired and
gave in.
Inspired by
this display we tried out the skills a creeping vine could offer us. This may not sound like an animal but the
creeping vine is very much a living creature rather than a plant. They feel their way around the forest like a
mammoth snake, only laying roots into the earth to feed and drink from it. In the spring they hibernate to flower and
spread their seed. And we could talk to
it as well.
Where we
were concerned the vine agreed to try and tie up the unicorn for easy
transportation without harm. It didn’t
quite work, of course. The vine managed
to sneak up on the unicorn and wrap itself around her but a firm grip it could
not gain. I’m not sure if it was just
because it was such a hot day or if it was the unicorn’s cunning but she
certainly became very sweaty and the creeping vine just kept slipping away and
it never secured the unicorn.
Another
week we worked with a Smeldt, a disgusting creature who created noxious gases
on request. She tried to anaesthetise
the unicorn so I could transport her away.
The wind refused to play ball at first, however, and John was knocked
out before it started to help us out.
But there was nothing doing. The
unicorn simply stood blowing raspberries in imitation.
Not sure I
really want to mention the Wangstur or his big pole with which he tried to poke
the unicorn into submission. She could
not be stirred. Or the calamity and
farce that was the Ganroid’s attempt to overwhelm and herd her with forest
sheep. A sort of part sheep, part goat,
I think, hybrid that could certainly move and shake, could butt and cajole the
unicorn a little but ultimately did nothing.
Couldn’t even move her out of the clearing.
What I
would like to talk about is the Chaos Monkey.
Malstromb was his name and it was a slightly last ditch effort and a
very confusing experience. Just talking
to him was weird. He spoke in this
really weird and erratic style that was difficult to follow. If it wasn’t bad enough that each word was
said in various tones and at different speeds, he would disrupt sentences by
splicing in random words. Just plain
strange. With a little translation from
John I discovered that he would create pure chaos by conjuring up random spells
until he emerged victorious.
The monkey
entered the clearing with an heir of majesty.
The unicorn nodded a hello and waited.
They stood opposite each other like sumo wrestlers, the unicorn waiting
for the Chaos Monkey to begin. He
started by making the rest of the forest spin around the clearing until it was
just a green and brown blur. Then he
opened with the ultimate chaos operation: jam.
The unicorn was suddenly covered in it.
She shrugged her shoulders and Malstromb turned the clearing into a
sinking sand pit. The unicorn sank too
far and the monkey apologised , creating an instant and short-lived snowstorm
then making the rest of the forest spin.
Then all manner of things began to happen, each one very quickly. So quickly I couldn’t possibly tell you
everything and certainly not in order.
The unicorn’s legs turned to liquorice allsorts (stacks of the round
coconut ones), we were in a desert, under the sea, in space, hovering hundreds
of feet above the earth, I saw lions, dolphins, giant insects, elephants, dogs
and gerbils appear in the clearing, the unicorn was in cage a couple of times
but the monkey kept on,
What I
would like to talk about is the Chaos Monkey.
I would love to be able to tell you about how he tried to help us but I
cannot. (Just talking to Mallstromb was
weird. He spoke in this really weird and
erratic style that was difficult to follow.
If it wasn’t bad enough that each word was said in various tones and at
different speeds, he would disrupt sentences by splicing in random words. Just plain strange). Chaos is quite confusing and very difficult
to follow. Mallstromb trained in the far
north of Sweden (Lord only knows how a monkey from South America gets to even
know about Sweden let alone go there to learn about the creation of pure chaos)
and had since moved to the forest to reside as a hermit monk type of a
character, waiting only for people to employ his services.
Which we
did and, with a little translation from John, discovered that these services
would entail Mallstromb creating pure chaos by conjuring up random spells until
he emerged victorious. This idea seemed
a little sketchy and directionless to me.
And so it turned out.
Mallstromb
entered the clearing at the hottest point of the afternoon with an heir of
majesty. He was a master of a chaos,
after all, and not many monkeys, or people, can say that. The unicorn nodded a hello and waited. They stood opposite each other like sumo
wrestlers, the unicorn waiting for the Chaos Monkey to begin. He started by making the rest of the forest
spin around the clearing until it was just a green and brown blur.
Once he did
I’m not entirely sure what went on it all happened so quickly with many, many
things happening at once. I do remember
jam, pixies, lions, dolphins, the clearing turning into a desert and being
under water and toasters, horns, ships, coconuts, and all manner of odd objects
appearing and the unicorn morphed and changed too. Her legs turned into liquorice allsorts
(stacks of the round coconut ones), she became a frog, a cat, her tail turned
into a snake at one point, and she was even in a dungeon and a cage and a
prison.
Eventually
Mallstromb worked into his final crescendo.
Trees flew, thunder clapped, the winds roared and whirred around us,
water came down fast, flooding the clearing, lightning hit nearby trees and
made the water on them hiss angrily. Yet
the unicorn, knee deep in water, stood staring, still as if waiting for
Mallstromb to start. Sleet and hail came
in before a tornado encircled the pair of them.
And then it
just stopped. Everything was as it was
before. “Un-monk-flapp-fish-able!” I
heard Mallstromb exclaim; and then he disappeared.
On the way
home I started ruminating upon the whole matter. Mallstromb had seemed to miss the entire
point of the exercise. Instead it was
just like a huge show had been put on to try and distract me. And that was when I first became suspicious. Just for a second or two I saw some light
before banishing it to the back of my mind.
It took my experience with a Merlungh to find the truth.
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