Attempts to Capture and Tame a Unicorn: (27) The Cage, Episode One

I suddenly realised I had never dropped a cage on her.  I was watching some programme fronted by Des O’Conner and Melanie Sykes.  Terry Gilliam and Michael Palin were being interviewed.  Des asked Terry about how all his films feature a cage and it hit me.  Never with a cage - and why ever the hell not?

Because I hadn’t thought of it and built one, I guess.  That simple.  I was annoyed, though.  I’d recently read The Pythons Autobiography and watched all the Python films, Fawlty Towers, Ripping Yarns and all Gilliam’s output as a consequence.  I was mortified that Des O’Connor had had to point out this plan to me.

So to work I got creating a lightweight (ish) cage of galvanised iron with a detachable bottom complete with wheels and locks that would fit neatly into the van.  And cultivating grass and plants in my garage-come-lighthouse, high power lamps set up as if I was growing marijuana on a grand scale and not summer flowers in winter.

The set-up took two days.  On the first I wheeled the bottom through to the clearing and set it up in the optimum position underneath the tree that I would hoist the top part into.  I then spent the rest of the day hauling great big bags of soil and plants from the van to the clearing using my big wheelie cart that I was by then keeping under tarpaulin just inside the forest. 

It was bloody hard work, we were talking about, like, fifty bags of soil and lord knows how many plants and pots of grasses.  Because I spent the afternoon covering the bottom over completely with first soil and then the plants I had cultivated.  Of course it looked odd, this small garden on a platform.  So I spread the effect out over the whole clearing so it all looked natural, though the ground was actually a few inches higher than it had been but it tapered out nicely enough.  So long as the unicorn wasn’t too sensitive to the changes, I was confident of success.

The next Saturday I returned with the top part which I hoisted up into the tree, tying off the rope around another tree that I would utilise to hide under.  Directly in the centre of the cage I piled up some oats and the trap was set.

I waited in the shadow of the tree ready with an axe to make the cage complete, mentally preparing myself for the long haul back to the van, shit scared I might not be able to move it.

About 1530 the unicorn arrived in the clearing and stopped dead right at the edge.  Her head had been down on approach and the moment her nose got to the edge, it shot up in surprise and she stared, saw the oats, turned around and walked away. 

Well, the clearing did look completely different.  Even I could see that now.  Where optimism had blinded me before, reality brought me round with a smack or two about the chops.  However, within thirty seconds I started to thinking about how to turn it all the right way about.  And I started by clearing the clearing.